January 2014 - Grade 4: Sorry! How to apologize authentically

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.”

- Unknown

Dear Family,

During a recent Developmental Guidance lesson, your child listened to the book Sorry!  by Trudy Ludwig. Dr. Aaron Lazare, author of On Apology, best describes the intent behind this lesson:

“Making a genuine apology seems like a sensible, constructive thing to do when one person offends another. Yet it is remarkable how frequently apologies are withheld or offered in a manner that offends rather than heals. The reasons for such failures are the fear of being shamed, being seen as weak, being rejected, or the like. With fears like these, we can see that learning to apologize is no small matter. Overcoming them requires honesty, generosity, commitment, humility and courage.

Apologizing is best learned in childhood and the most obvious teachers are parents and educators. Yet when we adults are clumsy and fearful about apologizing, when we believe it is dangerous to apologize, when we believe apologizing is a sign of weakness, we are apt to fail as positive role models for our children.”

We often find ourselves commanding one child to apologize to another. What results is frequently half-hearted, insincere, and given only under the pressure of an adult. This rarely results in making amends on the part of the offended person, and the offender does not actually gain understanding either.  The story line in Sorry! Illustrates the four crucial parts of making an effective apology:

• Acknowledging the offense  in a specific, detailed manner
• Offering an honest explanation (I was jealous, I wanted to win, etc), without  blaming someone else
• Expressing remorse or shame
• Offering reparation in a meaningful way

This story also illustrates how children may learn that they can get away with things by simply uttering those magic words ‘I’m sorry’, even without meaning them. As adults, it is our job to not only explain the true meaning of a sincere apology, but to model it as well.

Sincerely,

Ms. Cahill

January 2014 - Grade 3: Stop It! Self-assertion

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.”

- Unknown

Dear Family,

During a recent Developmental Guidance lesson, your child’s class viewed a short video called Stop Picking on Me!  The objective of this program is to demonstrate effective strategies kids can use to protect themselves against teasing, harassment and bullying. Child actors depict several situations in which kids are being teased. They then model ways to resolve each situation in a safe and positive way. The video also emphasizes that teasing is NOT fun for the person being teased.

When we help children learn and develop positive social and coping skills, we provide them with a repertoire from which to choose productive actions in a variety of difficult situations. These skills are important and necessary for successful and healthy social interactions and emotional management. Children who lack these coping skills can easily become angry, distraught or withdrawn when faced with an upsetting situation. This only makes them more vulnerable to future incidents.

The following points were emphasized in this video:

• Teasing/bullying is hurtful and makes us all feel unsafe
• Fighting does not solve problems and it is not safe
• Walking away is one strategy
• Think about safety first
• Acting confident is an effective deterrent
• Ask an adult for help

The class had an informative discussion and had much to share. Ask your child what they learned from this lesson, and how it might inform their future behavior in challenging situations.  As always, I recommend keeping the lines of communication open between you and your child. Talk to them about their friends and monitor whether they are making emotionally healthy choices.

Sincerely,

Ms. Cahill 

January 2014 - Grade 2

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.”

- Unknown

Dear Family Member,

During a recent Developmental Guidance Lesson, your child viewed the program We Can Work It Out: Conflict Resolution. Classroom conflicts may arise over material things, over specific needs, or over values. For young children who are still adjusting to the school experience and to the interaction with peers, these conflicts may seem overwhelming because they may not yet have the tools with which to handle them. Here are some ways you can help your child use the ideas he or she learned for working out a conflict.

• Discuss what conflict means: when two or more people disagree or argue or want to fight about something.

• Ask your child to tell you about the program. Here are some things he or she learned to do when there is a conflict.

• Ask questions and listen to get the facts.

• Use your words to tell the other person how you feel about  the situation without hitting, calling names, or blaming.

• Work with the other person to come up with ideas for solving the problem and choose one you can agree on.

• Ask for help if you can’t settle the problem yourself.

• Help your child use these ideas when you see him or her in conflict with someone else.

• Set a good example for your child by using these ideas yourself whenever you can.

Reading with your child is a perfect way to reinforce concepts and to make a connection between literature and life lessons. The following books may help open a dialog: Baker, Barbara. Digby and Kate. New York: Dutton, 1988. Fujikawa, Gyo. That’s Not Fair! Grosset & Dunlap, Inc, 1983. Hoban, Russel Conwell and Lillian Aberman Hoban.The Sorely Trying Day. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, Inc. 1964.

This book may help you talk with your child about solving conflicts: Schmidt, Fran and Alice Friedman. Creative Conflict Solving for Kids. Miami Beach: Peace Education Foundation, 1983.

Yours truly,

Ms. Cahill

January 2014 - Grade 1

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.”

- Unknown

 

Dear Family Member,

During a recent Developmental Guidance lesson, your child viewed a program called Student Workshop: Responsible Me!  Children in the primary grades have been exposed to relatively few situations in which they need to act responsibly. For this reason, the concept of responsibility— and the need for it—is often difficult for young children to understand. Student Workshop: Responsible Me! helps children grasp the meaning of responsibility and to recognize the importance of being a responsible person. The program helps children understand that there are many different types of behavior that work together to create a responsible person, and that failure to act responsibly can often cause problems, not only for themselves but for friends, family members, classmates—virtually all the people in their lives. Here are some points about responsibility that your child learned in the program.

• There are many ways to be responsible, including doing what you’re supposed to do, following through, keeping your word, taking care of others’ property, and owning up when you do something irresponsible.

• When you behave responsibly, others know they can count on you.

• It is not always easy to decide what is the responsible thing to do.

• Not acting responsibly can cause problems for yourself and for others.

To reinforce what your child has learned, help him or her be aware of each instance in which he or she is acting responsibly. You might say, “I noticed how neat your room looks today. It’s very responsible of you to take such good care of your things.”  Or, “It’s wonderful that I can count on you to do your homework without being told.  You’re really becoming very responsible!” Remind your child that when people act responsibly, it helps everyone around them.

• Discuss with your child any areas in which he or she has not been acting responsibly. Try to work on ways to solve the problem. For example, if your child keeps forgetting things, help him or her get into the habit of writing notes and leaving them about as reminders.

• If your child seems to be having trouble deciding on what would be the responsible thing to do, sit down with your child and discuss all the important points of the situation. Help your child see that he or she should act as responsibly toward others as he would like others to act toward him.

Books to read with your child: Henry and the Paper Route by Beverly Cleary, Arthur’s Computer Disaster by Marc T. Brown and Pedrito’s Day by Luis Galay.

Sincerely,

Ms. Cahill

 

January 2014 - Kindergarten

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.”

- Unknown

Dear Family Member,

As part of a recent Developmental Guidance lesson, your child’s class viewed Ten Things to Do Instead of Hitting.  For children in grades K-2, the focus of their social world has been steadily shifting outward from home to school. Along with this major transition comes new demands to cooperate with other children, to work and play in groups, and to exercise self-control over socially unacceptable impulses like hitting, yelling and throwing things. For many children of this age, their emotions are fragile, and it is not uncommon for them to have explosions in the form of tantrums, verbal attacks, or outbursts of tears. Therefore, children need to learn strategies for recognizing and dealing with their angry feelings before they get out of hand. Here are some things that you can discuss with your child when he or she seems angry.

• Help your child become aware of what is causing the anger.

You might say, “Tell me how you are feeling. Why do you think you are feeling this way?” and “What are some other ways you can think of to solve your problem?” Here are some alternatives to hitting that your child learned in the program.

• talk about angry feelings                                                • squish clay  

• cool off by counting to ten, say the alphabet, etc.    • draw a picture

• use up angry energy by working hard                         • pound a pillow

• write about angry feelings                                            • release energy by blowing up balloons

• do something active – run or jump                 • dream about some favorite things to do

Practice alternatives that your child can use in actual situations when he/she is trying to avoid hitting or other unacceptable reactions. Model appropriate ways of dealing with anger and frustration at home demonstrate it’s ok to get mad, as long as the response is appropriate.

Suggested Reading : Feagin, Clairece Booher. Angry Feelings. Chicago: Contemporary Books. 1990. Leonard, Marcia. Angry. New York: Bantam Books, 1988.

Yours truly,

Ms. Cahill

Guidance Counselor